Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“i am a sweet baby”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
dutch is not a serious language
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
new year update: losing everything but weight