DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
eggs benadryl
Waiting for the Charmin
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.