*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.