‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
How do dragons blow out candles?