Erm I’m gonna say no
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*jazz hands*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog