ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache