Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]