why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I am HOWLING at this
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching