Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?