Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.