*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
It’s a gift
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.