Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”