Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.