Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
You Might Also Like
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Love it! 👍😂
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.