Love it! 👍😂
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in