I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
based al yankovic
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over