Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Good morning, Twitter x
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical