My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.