The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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I found your tweet-up…
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
But wait…
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Human are so complicated