I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
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12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse