ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Liquor Store Parking
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The first matador
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health