Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out


My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.


[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!


*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*


Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.


“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*


Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol


How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.


Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.