Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”
*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.