Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Fiction has to make sense.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.