I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(