Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again