I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
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life finds a way
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
The prophecy is fulfilled
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