I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
We’ve all been there
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
What the hell happened in there??
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?