[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
You Might Also Like
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.