Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On