ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?