me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
craving $300 all of a sudden
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums