That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils