People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar