People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
don’t we all
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok