Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.