@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

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@MadamBetteNoire

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@Jermaine1st

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

@WilliamAder

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@DeanB15

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

@AimeeHelene1

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

@UNDEADTRESOR

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur