@PaperWash
@JoshPughComic My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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@JoshPughComic 
@girlontapas I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
@flashember [DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
@mommy_cusses Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
@BrianStack153 Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
@jimmytorosian I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
@Social_Mime I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
@jojipaints Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
@errdayhustlah According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.