@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

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@JoshPughComic

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

@girlontapas

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

@flashember

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

@mommy_cusses

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

@BrianStack153

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@jojipaints

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.