My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.