A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh