@PaperWash
@MadamBetteNoire Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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@MadamBetteNoire 
@lisaxy424 Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
@Jermaine1st So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
@Tmoney68 “Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
@WilliamAder To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
@GoldenSpirals It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
@DeanB15 Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@AimeeHelene1 When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
@PrincesaBallena When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
@UNDEADTRESOR 8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur