A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.


Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.


So what do you think?
New hair?

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men


“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….


To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.


It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.


Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.


When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.


8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur