My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!