The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ready to be harvested
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers