My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman