Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you