Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?