[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
it must be school picture day
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*