for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive