Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*feels the wind in my toe hair
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!