CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.