Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.