Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…