We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol