Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
jesus, what did this guy do
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there