Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?