Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Name this drama.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”