the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.