Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You Might Also Like
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.