Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
wut hotdog?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.