Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*


I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.


I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”


I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.


not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.


[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.


Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?